Computer ERROR
There I was, little innocent me, sitting at my computer desktop watching the Windows flag screensaver. You know, the one that bounces back and forth….back and forth….back and forth…back and forth…back…and…forth… Doctors recommend you do this eye-workout for twenty minutes, three times a week. Being the health-conscience citizen that I am, I do an extra ten minutes daily. (Dude…check out my buff corneas…)
All of the sudden, without me pressing a button, this message on my computer screen pops up and my screensaver disappears. Now I’m angry you see; very, very angry! I mean, I was on my 87th Windows flag bounce. I was about to break a record for longest consecutive screen-saver stare—maybe even go down in the history books—when this red ERROR message pops up. I asked myself thoughtfully. “Why can’t Microsoft come up with a better logo to watch?”
Of course, since I am a qualified computer specialist, I know that whenever an ERROR message pops up the smartest thing to do is to wait until the screensaver replaces it again. I figure the ERROR message has to do a lot of rounds these days. Maybe it will get bored and leave.
I waited patiently for 15 seconds and this message was still staring back at me. I’m serious, it was edging me on! After glaring at it for a few seconds, it didn’t seem to get the picture. This situation reminded me of the important historical event when the first caveman looked blankly at his enemy (a boulder) and with grand intelligence in his voice shouted, “One of us is going to move…and it is not going to be me!”
Following the wisdom of my ancestors, I decided to take matters into my own hands. “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO SUBMIT TO ME YOU MACHINE OF DEATH!” I cried with emotion creeping into my voice. “NO LONGER WILL YOUR ANTICS KEEP ME FROM MY WOULD-BE RECORD!” (Hint: Computers tend to listen to people who use capital letters)
Still no response.
The situation called for extreme measures. Using the Pythagorean Theorem, I narrowed down my options to three:
1. Keep glaring at the computer and look like an idiot
2. Call a computer techy for help
3. Grab a baseball bat and smash the heck out of the dumb machine
Though option 3 was tempting, I fearlessly grabbed the yellow pages and began to scramble through it. C...…Computer person…computer fixer person…..computer person with a grade point average of C++…AHA! There it was: Computer ERROR message fixer person! (Gosh the yellow pages are so specific nowadays!).
I dialed the numbers slowly, savoring the inevitable victory that would be mine. With a grin on my face, I brought the phone to my cheek and listened with glee:
Please Hold......
Your call is important to us. Estimated wait time: 8 hours 53 minutes.
*cheesy music plays*
ARGH! Still, this was no time to resort to childishness. In the most gracious and forgiving manner possible, I resorted to what lighthearted and friendly people do when there computer gives them trouble: batting practice.
Unfortunately, Microsoft has yet to build a machine that can withstand a Louisville slugger. Keyboard keys were spread all over the room, cracked circuit boards and bleeding wires, and a dented computer hard drive twitching in its death throes. The resemblance to a modern day bureaucracy was uncanny. (Thankfully, there were no motherboard unions lobbying for memory raises)
There lay my computer screen, blinking in and out. I put my hand on its dented forehead and gazed sadly at the screen. Just before it faded to darkness, I slowly read the dreaded ERROR message one last time:
So here I am, typing away on my little palm pilot. The computer fixer guy is coming soon and he’ll see the sad remains of my ex-desktop. If he asks, I’ll just blame Bill Gates and the Y2K bug.
As for me? Well, I’ll be staring at the tiny little screensaver. I’m pretty close to breaking a record…
Micah Engel