Sir, Which Country You Are From?
A Practical Guide for Tourists Finding Their Way in India
By Micah Engel(Before you read this, please note that this guide is in no way meant as an insult towards the friendly Indians I have met along my journeys. I am happily stereotyping my way through this essay so take the following fair warning: I make fun of everybody. After all, it is like someone once said, "Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.")
As I walk through the muddy streets of a bustling jungle of concrete, it's clear to me that only a fool would try to do what I'm doing at this moment - namely trying to find someplace with air conditioning. You see, the common street signs that one might find in Hicksville, Nebraska are nowhere to be see in India (neither is Al Gore thankfully). The reason for this? The lack of such clear directional markers provides one of the best means of entertainment for locals!
Let me elucidate. If you've never been to india, then I don't suggest you read a book about it or possibly watch one of those Discovery channel specials where they go "in depth" into the "cultural phenomenon which is India." Blah blah blah. Can you get any duller?
The only way to see the people of India correctly is to find out what they laugh at (answer = you). Take my advice and travel to India yourself. Not only will it teach you how to put on a life jacket (compliments of approximately 900,000 airplane rides it took to reach the subcontinent) but it will also make you laugh at your stupidity of bringing American dollars when clearly the only currency they use is human fingernails! (I'm kidding of course, they use yak butter. It's amazing how much you can fit in your wallet. A little messy though). You see, these humorous events will create memories that are hard to forget. Memories that transcend time and space and someday will make our grandchildren say "I'm bored of your dumb stories. Do you have any video games?"
Back to my initial point though; people in India seem to enjoy watching foreigners daily wandering through their neighborhoods searching frantically for a payphone, hotel or possibly a toilet. This is obviously the result of having no street signs. Of course asking the locals for directions is about as helpful as being audited by the IRS, though possibly less harmful to your overall health. To the Indians' credit, they at least understand a few phrases in English such as "I've got to pee really really badly!" The locals, noticing the pained expression of the foreigner, will then gather round him as he makes desperate hand motions showing in detail the action he needs to take. After a few minutes of this, someone in the crowd will lead the poor traveler away, usually to the nearest tea stall. For those of you who are busy packing for your trip to India, I suggest bed pans.
Honestly, it is very difficult to find your way through the streets of India. The average Indian road contains all the dangers you might expect in cosmopolitan cities in Canada and more. Beggars, pickpockets, camels, donkeys, bicyclists, motorcyclists, cars, buses, and the occasional mangy dog frequent these corners. However, the most frustrating of all these dangers are those Indians who ask about as many questions as your Aunt Beatrude. Okay, okay, slight exaggeration. They're not that bad as long as you don't mind hearing the question "Excuse me sir, which country are you from?" about 8 billion times a day. It's like they've never seen a foreigner lost in their neighborhood before. Fortunately, all major tea stalls sell stickers which say "Hi, my name is ___________ and I'm from ___________". They are a must-have if your journey lasts longer than 5 minutes.
In the end, most foreigners return to their hotel rooms (if they can find their way back) having accomplished nothing at all, dejected and disappointed. The good news is this; it is possible to find things in India! After all, where there is a will and a MasterCard, there's a way! I'm sure your hotel staff will be happy to brave the dangerous streets of India to get any personal errand done. With the right amount of cash, your letter begging the Indian President to install Porta Potties at every major intersection might actually reach him before 2010.
Overall, you can clearly see what a truly "cultural" place India is (and I haven't even begun to describe the major transit system yet!). At the moment, I could use a little less culture. If you need me, I'll be in my hotel room, watching the Discovery channel.