Humor Column by Micah Engel

In the spirit of Christmas and liberal rantings, I submit this awkwardly political column in hopes that our dear readers will have a safe and joyous winter solstice holiday commemorating many different equally good things to different equally valued and important genders, races, parties, associations, rabbits and hair lice. Or in politely correct terms: Merry CHRISTmas!

Everywhere you look it seems things are going “green”. This means, of course, that everything is moving towards the environmental equilibrium that American liberals desperately want. (“green” of course is too exclusive of a term. Feel free to also call it brown, red, purple, pro-choice, or Tinkerbell)

Regardless, this issue is so important to them that they are willing to sacrifice precious paper so Congress and the rest of world can know about it. With the exception of Lindsay Lohan’s new haircut, nothing else compares to the amount of articles devoted to environmentalism. The phenomenon has affected many people and caused strange movements such as Tree Huggers who seem to think embracing a tree with their sweaty arms will undoubtedly protect them from being cut down. My question: Did anybody ever ask these trees if they WANTED to be hugged??

Being the inquisitive guy that I am, I decided to research this subject more in depth. I found this very interesting lecture on the environment (provided kindly by Al Gore):

“The environment was once a happy green place where cute, fun-loving creatures frolicked all day long. This lasted until Republicans with their big evil ATVs came riding in and destroyed everything. The solution to this problem: Everybody should eat grass and let animals poop on their carpets. Oh and vote for Hilary Clinton.

In their quest to provide the American public with a “better, greener” earth, liberal environmentalists have figured out that it is the carbon and methane gases in the air that are destroying the ozone layer that will cause a “greenhouse effect.” (Meaning that everything will suddenly become green and warm and John Kerry will become the Hulk). Obviously this is a very pertinent danger to the American way of life! (Comparable only to the threat of Paris Hilton singing) Thanks to the environmentalists’ efforts, we now know how to stop creating these dangerous gases. Here is a list created by a very qualified researcher¹ of things we wasteful humans must stop doing in order to protect our earth:

Stop using appliances that operate on electricity such as stoves, microwaves, refrigerators
Stop using toilet paper and other wasteful substances made from trees
Stop using cars and any form of transport that uses fuel
Stop using breath mints
Stop breathing
Stop listening to Michael Jackson

Of course, prevention doesn’t always seem to be work. Consider these recent snapshots of Iceland. Clearly we are facing a most dangerous warming period…

As a rule, environmentalists have always pointed their fingers at many different organizations that have significantly increased global warming. Gas and power corporations, big businesses, small businesses, parents, churches, local thrift stores, the sun, President Bush, King Kong, and the Brady Bunch have all been blamed in the past. However new facts now show a startling new criminal worse than all of the above and singularly responsible for expelling more gas than Michael Moore.

It’s official, folks. According to Norwegian researchers, meeses (or whatever the plural of moose is) belch a reported “100 kilograms of methane gas equivalent to 2,100 kilograms (4,630 pounds) of carbon dioxide a year; contributing to global warming.”

This alarmingly true report has finally answered two of my lifelong questions: “Why do I feel warmer when moose hunting?” and, “What exactly do Norwegian researchers do all day long?”

For the record, I suggest not keeping a pet moose (they are a fire hazard and require more governmental paperwork than the average doctorate).

Honestly, the idea of moose belching contributing to global warming is an alarming problem. Environmentalists are now faced with two options. Either kill all the meese in the world and create a giant moose-hide balloon filled with their methane, or keep the meese and stop using toilet paper. I’m so confused; I think I’ll go hug a tree….