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Bad Squeegee!
By Micah Engel
You knew it was coming…
The government in Florence, Italy has finally seen the light and cracked down on the very dangerous criminal activity of “squeegee-ing” cars. All squeegee-hauling criminals will face fines and detentions of up to three months should they threaten public safety again. While frankly, I believe this does not solve the greater problem of car waxing (A car doesn’t have hair, why should it be waxed?), this new law does promote the freedom of creating new-stupid-laws-and-regulations-that-waste-our-tax-money (number 242 on the Liberal Bill of Rights).
Yet there are reports still abounding of rebel squeegeeians (also referred to as “Window cleaning nincompoops” by unbiased critics) who have blatantly ignored the law and flouted their sins by cleaning up cars owned by lawsuit lawyers. Clearly their preference for other criminal’s belongings makes them doubly guilty by association! What’s more, drive-by-washings are now on the rise, and several car bodies have been found scrubbed clean of evidence. How can Americans sleep well when maniacs like these roam our streets at night??
“But Bob!” you may object, “What is so harmful about a bunch of squeegee-toting converts?”
“My name is not Bob,” I would reply and then list the following reasons why I am strictly anti-squeegeetarian.
- The term “squeegee” is weenie-sounding and was created by an unpopular children’s toothpaste company. Keeps your teeth squeegee clean!
- People who use squeegees are 100% more likely to die by the time they’re 245.
- They are approved by the USPTO (United States Patent and Trademark Office); the same guys who brought you the battery-powered battery recharger!
If you are not yet convinced, consider the effect they have had on children. Studies indicate that 1 out of 402,341 kids who have touched a squeegee are likely to experience symptoms of pain, nausea, hallucinations, heart attack, diabetes, death and/or a crush on Zac Elfron. Terrible stories of children drooling in their rooms at over-sized posters of this actor have been circulating the world. We must face these startling facts and take preventive action so this does not happen! We will not submit to Disney hysteria!
For starters, we can impose a ban on people carrying objects that resemble squeegees, such as pitchforks, brooms, bundles of sticks, and Italian supermodels. A neighborhood watch should be set up and help groups developed for struggling cleaning addicts. In addition, children should be subliminally informed about the dangers of squeegees through horror movies like “Honey, I Squeegeed the Kids!” (Rated SC for “squeegee clean”).
Of course some of you may be wondering what we will do now to keep our car windows clean. The solution: giant cotton buds and a lot of acne cream. If they work as well as they do in the commercials, they should have no trouble clearing up the bird poop on our windshield wipers. Just be sure to apply twice a day and rinse thoroughly!
Then again, we could just rename the squeegee and bypass all the technical aspects of the new law. Not sure what to call it? My vote: Squindex!